Well… The first Christmas we all got to spend exclusively together went just fine…. The burning question would be:
“Was it worth the hurt feelings, explosive arguments and overall stress to spend,…. well?….. what was more-or-less like any other day-off we spend together?” *except for the mountains of food and presents.
The operative word for this passing holiday is “Expectation”….
How do you define them?..
How do you get them to coordinate between camps?
Etc.
Through this though I’ve learned a few things.
My concept of Christmas…. you know.. with a big “C”… doesn’t exist anymore… It self-destructed along with my parents’ marriage in 1999.
That simple little concept has eluded serious processing for all these years.
In 2000 – Kevin and I whisked ourselves away up to his family’s for the holiday…. In 2001 – Chad came along and we were then splitting up on Christmas.
All those sappy, mellow-dramatic posts I made in previous years about us splitting up at Christmas…. Well… They weren’t about splitting up “At Christmas”…
They were simply about “splitting up”… I’d be sad if I had to send the guys off on an airplane in middle of July.
The extra heart-string factors were quite simply me diverting angst as result of not dealing with my own expectations of Christmas.
Stupid.
Meanwhile – Kevin had (has) a big axe to grind with his mother’s name on the handle… Essentially revolving around our little life-unit being “acknowledged” as a legitimate entity… a “Family”?…
It was no surprise then Kevin was the architect for this year’s plans… He was making a stand…. Proving a point….
Mission accomplished? I don’t know. I’ve played on the slippery scales of The Approval Game before…. I’m firmly under the opinion that “approval” is an arbitrary gift and seldom earned.
Instead of cross-examining and protesting – I checked out into my own little distracted lah-lah land avoiding another of what have been chronic, devastatingly harsh arguments this year. Could tobacco really have been that big of a personality buffer in prior years?!?! (I don’t want to believe)….
Nonetheless – if you don’t deal with something – it just gets worse – and the eventual blow ups occurred as a result of messes caused by my inaction.
What we convinced ourselves as “Our first Christmas to spend together” – would start to be referred to by our families as “the selfish boycott.”
Meanwhile (x2)
Chad just got drug along for the ride…. To disagree with the plans would suggest “our family” wasn’t important… To agree meant dissing what has annually been a free trip home to see HIS family… *note: the only clan in our little set of three which is genuinely drama and horse-shit-free.
So… what is Christmas?
If you don’t “personally” attach a great significance to a holiday – wouldn’t it be “better karma” to entertain the wishes of those loved ones who “do” assign great importance to the day and your presence?
We’ll get it figured out… Hopefully as a group…
We suck separately: passive, rage filled and spacey.
But together we’re: thoughtful, passionate and imaginative.
I’m not blogging – I’m workin stuff out in my head.