I want my money back

So… Some FAT FUCK sitting in Hollywood is sitting around with his other FAT FUCK friend:

“Hey Sal – Let’s make some money”… “Great idea Ira – what do we do?” – “Well… We’ve got this gothy little number the studio picked up for a song from some starving screen writer.”

“Oh yeah? What’s it about?”

“Well – it’s about an ancient war between werewolves and vampires,…. oooo scarry hu?”

“Sounds like it could have legs – but we need to hit the buttons that will sell.. What do we do…” Sal?

“Urr… Well – audiences tests suggest that the brain dead American Film goers really like a lot of slow motion wire work.. You know… That Matrix stuff..”

“GREAT! Run with that! But don’t get one of the wire work masters from Hong Kong… Too Expensive… My wife’s nephew pulled ropes for Peter Pan in his High School Play… That will work.. We’ll just over-crank the camera and it will be slow-mo.. Nobody will ever notice the difference”

“Oh yeah – and we need to put the protagonist in a leather clad outfit just like Carrie-Anne Moss.:

“GREAT! That’s perfect – I love that Tomb Raider chick.. She’s got some real feeders on her”

“But I thought Moss was in. . . ”

“Oh yeah – and we need some fake internal medical landscape shots like Fight Club that one guy did…. oh what’s that guy’s name… The faggot.. Fintcher somebody.. right? YEAH.. Let’s do that.”

“While you’re at it we should shoot everything with a full stop blue on the lens to give it that Fincher look…. yeah yeah… No.. We don’t need an experienced DP – just find someone’s will we can break. We’re not interested in his vision or talent. The test scores show that audiences think a muddy print and monochromatic light makes the audience think they’re watching an edgy film. Look at all that green in the Matrix?”

“You’re on a roll Ira! But how do we keep the overhead down?”

“Fuck it – let’s shoot it in Budapest. They don’t have unions over there, we can do location shoots only and hire a lot of inexperienced eastern-block production help. I heard they work for sandwiches.”

“I smell money Ira!!!” – “Get the PR / Marketing firm on the horn and let them know we’re going to need a good name and a snappy trailer and some cool posters” –

—-

I now have irrefutable proof that:
a: HOLLYWOOD IS EVIL.
and
b: HUNGARY SHOULD ONLY EXPORT PAPRIKA – NOT FILM.

I’d like to appologize to the following people for laying down eight bucks to sit through UNDERWORLD:
DAVID FINCHER
ANDY AND LARRY WACHOWSKI
STEPHEN NORINGTON
GUILLERMO DEL TORO
*and the many men and women who work their asses off in the film industry and still believe in their hearts that if they stick with it they can overcome the glutted, filthy, money-greased, homogenizing machine which is the mainstream American movie industry.

I’m too pissed to blog.