Tag Archives: audio


weeeeee… more cathartic personal projects…. voila – another CD.

Worked on this set mostly over the Spring … and then… sat on it…

I’ve pulled blogging back to a trickle… if you’re just here for the download link – it’s at the bottom of the page.   The following is a bunch of personal crap that I used to be so comfortable sharing but anymore is a real chore. The act actually kicks off a freaky fear response and makes me want to calm up.

Despite this – historically – I *always* feel better when I can write stuff down.

Nutshell wrap up in case you’d been following journal posts in the olden days of Livejournal:

  1.  Decade-old triad relationship destabilized combined with the death of my father left me in an emotionally vulnerable state.
  2. In swooped an outsider, an emotional and sexual predator, nabbing up my heart and prying me from the situation.
    I was head over heals in love and thoroughly blinded – willing to do anything for this flame….
    and I did.
  3. My sacrificial offerings  included disenfranchising my 10-year partners, estranging myself from my friends and moving out and living on my own for the better part of 2011… and then there was the cash offerings, iphones, service plans, gas, food, – the list goes on.
  4. Nearing the end of 2011 what my gut knew all along but I refused to listen to finally broke through with the devastating realization (acceptance of more like it) that this love I sacrificed everything for was at the most innocent: false and one-sided….
    at the most sinister: a front for parasitic extortion.Incidentally what IS Happiness
  5. Broken hearted and broke financially … I couldn’t continue paying top dollar for my exile apartment… I had to move back to “The Ranch” (late father’s and childhood home) where I’d moved Kevin and Chad prior to getting the apartment. (Elise’s Ex / father of my god son has been renting the mid-mod in Crestwood).

Hat in hand, tail between legs… embarrassed… humiliated… hurt… The guys were gracious and supportive in allowing me to come back and live with them as a roommate.

The biggest casualty through this has been Chad with whom I’d never lost my connection. I forfeited our relationship to Kevin rationalizing that he’ll be o.k. and that this was all for the best… I couldn’t have been more myopic, insensitive and downright wrong.

While I was busy fighting my gut instincts and stubbornly trying to force my square will  through the round hole of reality – Chad hurt…  bad… He would work through it – and there with the support and love of Kevin get through it and find a new relationship between the two of them…

He moved on… I moved in.

The following months would be awkward and difficult as I come to terms with this.

The first six of seven stages of grief had their way with me:

1. Shock
2. Denial
3. Anger
4. Bargaining
5. Guilt
6. Depression

At the behest of doc I went onto an antidepressant and into a therapist. I’d start living at the gym… and thinking… a lot.

After a few sessions of reviewing my predicament and feelings – the therapist would helplessly shrug and in so many words tell me: “You’re doing everything you need to do – you’re simply grieving.”

My theory about therapy was proven… You want a therapist to say something to make the pain go away… to give you “the answer”… but answers come from within. The therapist is just there to coach you along with digging around in your own head.

Eventually the weight would start to lift… the haze clear…

The 7th and final stage of grief began:  “Acceptance and Hope”.

I’d remember my past life’s precepts that had served me so well before yet somehow forgot: “focus on what you have and be grateful – not on what you don’t have or what is lost.”

So what do I have… What, after all this, am I left with?

1) A shit ton of life lessons.
2) Two very special men who I call family… My best friends… who mean the world to me.
3) and I increased my bench press by about 40lbs. ;-P

In the end, “Grief is Good Medicine”.

This work is dedicated to Chad.

track list:

01: Linus & Lucy
02: Believe in your Best Levels
03: Leveled Without You
04: Running Without You
05:  Africa
06: Leave Me to Love
07: Here is the House
08: Oh L’Amour
09: Let You Go
10: Love Overload / (lockdown)
11: Fade Into Someone Like You
12: Who Knew Someone Like You

download the file

dedication: Chad Grimm
series inspiration: Ken “Beast” Colina
the hard stuff: MixMeister v. 7.0.9


So my friend Amy called me from one of her long weekly work-roadtrips crying that she was going to go bonkers if she had to listen to the Tom-Tom Club CD that’s been in her car stereo so long it had become “part” of the car.

What would have a 10 minute iTunes playlist assembly and clicking “burn” turned into a weekend-long obsessive project.

I’d downloaded some mixing software for Chad a couple of years ago but never really messed with it.

I used to enjoy mixing my obscure import vinyl remix collection into mix-tapes for friends back in the pre-digital-era… The practice is how I got started in graphic design – In those days using a Tandy computer, a dot-matrix printer, highlighters, xacto knives, stacks of Interview Magazines and a glue stick to make these belabored, love-soaked  j-card inserts.

So for shits and giggles and a way to fill the solitary hours of the evening, I blew the dust off the DJ software and took it for a spin… wow… it’s crazy easy fun now.  ESPECIALLY considering that the software cost a fraction of just ONE of the Technics 1200 direct-drive turntables I used to lust after.packaging pic

cd envelop

No more are the days of getting 30 minutes into a mix, screwing up, … doing what apparently is some sort of signature angry leprechaun dance I do when I’m really pissed (dunno – ask Elise) … and starting all over again.

So it was the perfect self-distraction storm… Nostalgic playlist… I’m turning 40 later this month… Plus there’s this big musclebear fella I chat with a lot who just had a birthday and wanted to send him something hand-crafted…. so the whole thing turned into a “project”.

This is PRECISELY the kinda crap my coach told me is the lifeline for creative dorks.. “PLAY”… i.e. “do what you *do* for fun for a change… not just for work.”

Best…. Therapy….. yet.

I created a short-run of these and distributed them to my closest friends…

Just like the old days….. Except:

The computer did all the hard stuff…
My age since the last one has increased by a factor of X2…

… and there was  no lepracauhn dancing…


download the file


inception / catalyst : Amy Gill
series inspiration: Ken “Beast” Colina
the hard stuff: MixMeister
non-linear mixing tutorial: Dustin Lee (DJcubster)
illustration: Schreddedwolf



can I get a motherfuckin’ ah-men

Always nice on the intentionally rare occasion that I spit, piss and rant in this blog, (the one I don’t have) – and ya’ll come back with the “here-here’s” and “right-ons”… It makes me feel like I’m not completely alone, sitting here with my little box of piss-offs.

bleepkeeper emailed me this file because apparently it’s source website is down…

This is just too damn funny… and PAINFULLY right on the mark… it must be shared.

It’s from some comedian by the name of David Cross. (never hear of him before (we live under a rock) – but now I must run to the store and buy his stuff).

And rejoice – you and I are not alone -and someone with a bigger voice is sounding off. Now, suddenly I’m proud to be an American… Because this guy hasn’t been thrown in prison… urr.. well.. yet.